Crash

Whoa... did I pick the worst week to start over or what?

I just couldn't keep it together with all the temptations.  Bagels and pizza and brownies oh my!  It seemed like everyday there was another hurdle and I came crashing down on them.  Today is a new day.  No more teacher appreciation week.  No more Mother's Day celebrations.  Just a plain ole week.

This weekend my husband, oldest son and I did some volunteer work.  We signed up to help make a recreation center for children more beautiful.  Our team was assigned to building garden planter boxes.  I really enjoyed it and after we were done, I knew I would want to do something like this again soon.

Me and Nick working hard.

Do I look like I know what I'm doing?

Brian getting bored.

We made 2 of the smaller planter boxes.  It felt good to make something that others would appreciate.

This week will be better.  I know it.

Until next time...

Temptations At Work

This week is Teacher Appreciation week.  Every day, management at work has been giving us a gift.  On Monday, we were given a scratch-off lottery ticket ($2 winner right here).  On Tuesday, we got a flower (which will probably be dead shortly).  Today ... it was pretzels.  Soft, doughy, chewy, delicious pretzels.  There was a huge platter sitting on the table in the staff room.  My hunger level between breakfast and lunch was pretty high so I was really tempted.

Did I eat any?

Yes I did.

I had 5 pretzels.  I counted the points for them.  I'm not going to lie... I wanted more.  I thought about putting a few in my lunch box for when I got home but I realized it just wasn't worth it.  As I pointed out with the pizza last night, it would of lead to something else which would lead to a serious food coma.

I keep wondering what the reason is behind my binges.  What makes me not be able to stop?  Why do I do that to myself?  The truth is... it doesn't make me feel good.  It makes me feel pretty worthless and depressed.  It makes me want to cry because more than anything, I want to love myself... but after having a binge, I can't help but be disgusted that I couldn't stop.

I don't like who I am right now.  I don't want to feel this way and I want to find the Pam that I love... and I will.  It will take some time and it will hurt a little telling the truth.  I can't keep pretending that I am okay.  I fake it everyday and I'm tired.  I'm going to fight for myself and one day I am going to love who I am... no faking allowed.

But right now... I'm a work in progress.

BTW...

We were told there would be pizza at work on Friday.  Uh oh...

Until next time...

The Facts

I am 32 years old.

I weigh 240 pounds.

I wear size 18 pants and XL shirts.

I huff and puff walking up stairs.

I binge from stress and when I'm upset... sometimes I'll even binge when I'm happy.

I love food.

I take blood pressure medication.

I hate myself most of the time.

I don't want to hate myself anymore.

Yesterday wasn't easy.  I had a slightly stressful day at work which gave me a very painful headache and all I wanted to do when I got home was eat for comfort.  I made myself a cup of coffee as I made dinner and I survived.  I can do it... I know I can.  It's hard.  I wish so much that this wasn't so hard.  Even though I want to be healthy so much, I struggle over and over again.

Tonight, I almost blew it again.  I'm so thankful my sons were home with me.  There were 2 slices of leftover pizza in the fridge and I was so close to popping them in the microwave for myself as a snack.  I let about 30 seconds pass... the pizza was sitting on a plate and ready to be heated.  I stopped... I made a better decision.  I decided to give each of my sons a piece of the pizza for dinner.  Back-up plan #2 would of been drenching the pizza in soap which I would of had to keep a secret from the husband (he loves his pizza).

What I know...

I know eating that pizza would of started a binge.  I know that one bad decision would lead to another.  I know I'm not strong enough to avoid temptation... yet.

I'm going to say it again... I wish this wasn't hard.  I wish I could magically decide to lose weight and poof... it would happen.

This isn't easy.

Until next time...

A New Beginning

It isn't easy starting over again but here I am...

I weighed myself this morning expecting the worst... and it was bad.

240 pounds.

I'm mad.  I can keep hating myself for that number or I can do something about it.

I can change that number.

This is my new beginning.

Until next time...