Day 3 & 4 - 5/16/20-5/17/20

5/16/20:

It is a beautiful Saturday.  The weather right now is 74°F in NJ.  I'm sitting outside on my deck while writing this.  I love this!

I keep thinking that I want to take a walk outside.  I keep chickening out though.  I am all in my head about how other people will judge me based on my weight.  I have gained around 20 pounds in the past 2 months.  That is a lot of weight to gain in a short amount of time.  I feel really bad about myself and in my head, I'm being judged by others but I know in reality that it is me judging myself.

My weight has held me back more times than I can count.  There is so much I still want to do in my life and I don't want something that I have complete control over dictate what I can and can't do.  You might say I can do all the things I want to do now at this weight.  Yes I could... but I want the level of comfort with myself that I'm not wondering if everyone is looking at me in disgust.  I want to gain enough confidence and self-esteem that I am only focusing on what is really important.  I have wasted so much of my life worrying about what others think.

The rest of Saturday went really good.  I used a bunch of my weekly smartpoints.  I am going to save them for the weekends when I want to eat a little bit more without going overboard.   For exercise, I walked 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I feel like I am close to giving a light jog a try... maybe sometime next week.

5/17/20:

Sunday was chilly.  We kept the windows open but I wore a light jacket all day.  I worked a bit to make up for the time I get distracted during the week, watched some tv, and played some games with my family.

My sons

I walked 30 minutes on the treadmill.

I struggled a lot with food but I stayed strong and finished the day successfully.  I have been having these fights in my head.  There is a side of me that doesn't care and just wants to eat.  Then there is the other side that is so tired of this and wants to get healthy.  I have to keep fighting to listen to the one that matters.  The one that will get me to a healthy weight.

It seems like I have this struggle every other day.  I just have to keep trying.  It is so nice to wake up in the morning and know that I didn't have a binge.  It is one of the things I try to remind myself when I want to give up.

Until next time,
Pam