It is a beautiful Saturday. The weather right now is 74°F in NJ. I'm sitting outside on my deck while writing this. I love this!
I keep thinking that I want to take a walk outside. I keep chickening out though. I am all in my head about how other people will judge me based on my weight. I have gained around 20 pounds in the past 2 months. That is a lot of weight to gain in a short amount of time. I feel really bad about myself and in my head, I'm being judged by others but I know in reality that it is me judging myself.
My weight has held me back more times than I can count. There is so much I still want to do in my life and I don't want something that I have complete control over dictate what I can and can't do. You might say I can do all the things I want to do now at this weight. Yes I could... but I want the level of comfort with myself that I'm not wondering if everyone is looking at me in disgust. I want to gain enough confidence and self-esteem that I am only focusing on what is really important. I have wasted so much of my life worrying about what others think.
The rest of Saturday went really good. I used a bunch of my weekly smartpoints. I am going to save them for the weekends when I want to eat a little bit more without going overboard. For exercise, I walked 30 minutes on the treadmill. I feel like I am close to giving a light jog a try... maybe sometime next week.
Sunday was chilly. We kept the windows open but I wore a light jacket all day. I worked a bit to make up for the time I get distracted during the week, watched some tv, and played some games with my family.
I walked 30 minutes on the treadmill.
I struggled a lot with food but I stayed strong and finished the day successfully. I have been having these fights in my head. There is a side of me that doesn't care and just wants to eat. Then there is the other side that is so tired of this and wants to get healthy. I have to keep fighting to listen to the one that matters. The one that will get me to a healthy weight.
It seems like I have this struggle every other day. I just have to keep trying. It is so nice to wake up in the morning and know that I didn't have a binge. It is one of the things I try to remind myself when I want to give up.
Until next time,