First Weigh In Using ITrackBites Conquer Cravings

My first weigh in was great.

I lost 8.2 pounds!

This weight loss plan is working for me.  The first few days I had headaches, I was grumpy, and I felt like eating every second of the day.  Then everything started getting easier.  Now I am on day 9 and I am not hungry all the time anymore.

I haven't started exercising yet but I'm hoping to start that sometime in the next week.

I started therapy today and it went well.  I learned some new ways to cope with my anxiety.  I also was able to talk about the loss of my friend who passed away in December.  I will continue with sessions every 2 weeks.  I am going to do this right.

After Monday, my work load should slow down so I will be posting more regularly.

Until next time,
Pam

Starting Over - Starting Weight

I know I'm a couple of days late.  I did start on Thursday.  The first day was really rough.  I had an anxiety attack and had a massive headache.  I made it through the day successfully though.

My starting weight is 275 lbs again.

I have been feeling so bad lately and my anxiety has been so high.  I decided to make an appointment to see the therapist I've seen in the past.  I want to do this right.  I know without help I will keep falling into my bad habits.  This pandemic and the loss of my good friend has really worn me down.  I have a hard time handling anything right now.  Add to that... work has been extra stressful lately and parts of my body have been in pain.  It is just a recipe for failure.

I'm going to work on myself.

It has taken me a long time to admit I need help but here I am.  I'm going to get help.

Posts will be sporadic until I get over this stressful time at work.

I'm not giving up.

Until next time,
Pam

Struggling

I haven't written in a while.

Yes, I fell off track.

As I was following the program, things starting coming up about my friends death.  I was crying constantly and I couldn't handle it.  I started to comfort myself with food again and the bad thoughts melted away.

I am going to start again tomorrow.  This time I am prepared for those bad thoughts and have ways to cope with them.

I am also not going to use Weight Watchers anymore.

I don't like the fact that I was starting to use sugar free and low fat alternatives for everything.  I need a diet that allows me to eat more real food.  Of course, I will still be eating processed foods but I'm going to try my best to eat better with less processed foods.  I didn't feel that way when I was doing Weight Watchers.  I want to feel good about what is going in my mouth.

I have decided to use ITrackBites which is similar to Weight Watchers but you can use programs from the past that Weight Watchers has done.  I also am fond of the 100 Days of Real Food books and blog.  I will be utilizing them to eat healthier.

So, I'll see you tomorrow with my new starting weight.  I think I gained back every pound I lost.

This is hard to write.  Its embarrassing but I know I can't give up.

Until next time,
Pam

Day 8 - 5/21/20 First Weigh In

Well, I won't keep you in suspense.

I lost 7.8 pounds for my first week on Weight Watchers!!!

I'm so happy I got through the week and I stayed strong.  Seeing that loss made all the struggle completely worth it.

A few things have already changed in the last week.

1. My mindset is different.  At the beginning of the week, I wasn't sure if I could do this.  I struggled with the thought of just giving up and eating what I wanted.  Now, I know I can get through this.  I know the struggles aren't over and probably will never be over, but I know I can be strong.  Waking up in the morning when I didn't overeat is such a fantastic feeling, too.

2. I don't hurt as bad when I exercise.  At the beginning of the week when I did my walks on the treadmill, I had to take a break almost every 5 minutes for at least 20-30 seconds because my ankles were hurting so much.  By the end of the week, I was walking the full 30 minutes without stopping.  Today, I even felt so good that I jogged.  I jogged for 1 minute and walked for 2 minutes for a total of 30 minutes.  After that, I was tired but I went outside to play soccer with my older son and even did a bit of rollerblading.  I felt so great!  My movement is definitely increasing.

3. I'm not as hungry.  In the beginning of the week, I was constantly hungry.  I wanted to eat more the second I finished eating something else.  I have been trying to eat fuller meals that will keep me satisfied longer.  I also have plenty of foods to snack on when I feel like I need to eat that have a low point value.

4. I'm cooking more.  I am happy to be in my kitchen making some yummy food.  For a long time, I was not cooking except for putting frozen food in the oven.  I didn't care.  I had what was easy.  I look forward to getting in the kitchen everyday now.

5. I'm not as lazy.  Before, I could sit around all day and be content.  Now, I am always getting up to do something.  My house is so much cleaner and organized.  The effect of that is a lot less chaos in my mind.  I still have work to do but everyday gets better.

So in one week, so much has already changed.  I can't want to keep going and see where this takes me.  I want to be healthy and I know I can do this.  And if I can do it, so can you!

Until next time,
Pam

Day 6 - 5/19/20 What I Ate On Weight Watchers Green Plan

Today was a really good day!

I stayed within my points!

I exercised!

I cleaned!

I worked!

I sat on my butt and watched tv!

Such an exciting life right now!

My eating has changed a bit.  I have been going on Youtube to find some weight watcher point friendly foods.

Here is what I ate:

 Breakfast was a light english muffin (2) w/ chocolate
PB2/sugar free syrup (1) and a banana (0).  I also had 2 cups
of coffee with sugar & nondairy creamer. (3)
Total: 6 sp

This is what I used for the topping on the english muffin.
Found this on suggestion on Youtube.

I was very snacky today.  This was 1-1/4 oz. of barbeque Ritz
Crisp & Thins.
Total: 5

Second snack midmorning was a Quaker caramel rice cake (2)
 w/ a few tbsps. of chocolate Reddiwip (1).  So yummy!
Total: 3 sp

Lunch was so good!  I had a salad w/ baby spinach/spring mix (0),
1 oz. feta cheese (2), 1/8 c. walnuts (3), 1 c. strawberries (0), and 2 Tbsp.
balasmic vinegar (1).  I was very hungry so I added 10 oz. shrimp (2) w/
1-1/2 Tbsp. general tso sauce (3).
Total: 11 sp

This is the balasmic vinegar I use.  I buy it
from William Sonoma.  It is expenisve but
very worth the money to me.  It has a sweet taste
and doesn't need anything added to it for a salad.
This is my opinion at least!

Another snack!  This was 1 oz. of Hippeas nacho flavor.
I love these.  Even my kids really like them.  They are made
from chickpea flour.
Total: 4 sp

I had some bacon that I had to use up so
I decided to make chocolate chip pancakes for my
family.  I had something different though.
2 blueberry eggo waffles (6) w/ 1/8 c. sugar
free syrup (0) & 3 slices of bacon (3).  I had an apple (0)
w/ 2 Tbsps. PB2 (1).
Total: 10 sp

I felt pretty satisfied after dinner.  Later on,
I had a Premier Protein caramel shake for
my dessert.
Total: 2 sp

I felt like I ate so much today but I ended up having 2 smartpoints leftover for the day.  I know that I just wanted to snack all day but I tried to control myself with portions of snacks.  I distracted myself by trying to stay busy.  It worked most of the day.

I'm looking forward to weigh in!  My weigh ins are on Thursday but you will see the post on Friday.

Until next time,

Pam

Day 5 - 5/18/20

Another day of struggle.  What can I say?  This is my first week and I have to adjust to eating this way.  I am making it but it is hard.

Nothing really to report today.  Just checking in and letting you know I'm still going.  I did my 30 minute walk on the treadmill and stayed within my points for the day.

Today I am doing a what I eat in a day blog so it will be posted tomorrow!

Until next time,
Pam

Day 3 & 4 - 5/16/20-5/17/20

5/16/20:

It is a beautiful Saturday.  The weather right now is 74°F in NJ.  I'm sitting outside on my deck while writing this.  I love this!

I keep thinking that I want to take a walk outside.  I keep chickening out though.  I am all in my head about how other people will judge me based on my weight.  I have gained around 20 pounds in the past 2 months.  That is a lot of weight to gain in a short amount of time.  I feel really bad about myself and in my head, I'm being judged by others but I know in reality that it is me judging myself.

My weight has held me back more times than I can count.  There is so much I still want to do in my life and I don't want something that I have complete control over dictate what I can and can't do.  You might say I can do all the things I want to do now at this weight.  Yes I could... but I want the level of comfort with myself that I'm not wondering if everyone is looking at me in disgust.  I want to gain enough confidence and self-esteem that I am only focusing on what is really important.  I have wasted so much of my life worrying about what others think.

The rest of Saturday went really good.  I used a bunch of my weekly smartpoints.  I am going to save them for the weekends when I want to eat a little bit more without going overboard.   For exercise, I walked 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I feel like I am close to giving a light jog a try... maybe sometime next week.

5/17/20:

Sunday was chilly.  We kept the windows open but I wore a light jacket all day.  I worked a bit to make up for the time I get distracted during the week, watched some tv, and played some games with my family.

My sons

I walked 30 minutes on the treadmill.

I struggled a lot with food but I stayed strong and finished the day successfully.  I have been having these fights in my head.  There is a side of me that doesn't care and just wants to eat.  Then there is the other side that is so tired of this and wants to get healthy.  I have to keep fighting to listen to the one that matters.  The one that will get me to a healthy weight.

It seems like I have this struggle every other day.  I just have to keep trying.  It is so nice to wake up in the morning and know that I didn't have a binge.  It is one of the things I try to remind myself when I want to give up.

Until next time,
Pam

Day 2 - 5/15/20

I woke up this morning with a really, really bad headache and some dizziness.  After taking some medicine, I started to feel better.  Then it was off to work in my dining room in my pajamas.  I really hate working from home.  I get distracted easily (mostly from my kids) and have to work on the weekends to make up the time that I lost to those distractions.  I can't wait for the day that I can work in the office again.  I have gone through bouts of depression and hopelessness.  I don't like being home all the time!  I'm sure there are a lot of people that would agree.

Friday is my grocery shopping day so I headed out early so I would be there right when they opened.  I didn't feel prepared as I hadn't done any research on some good weight watchers friendly products.  I ended up going on Youtube later after I already did the shopping and found some great ideas that I will be trying out.  I will be heading out to the store again tomorrow to pick up these items if my store has them.

In the future, I will try to show a grocery haul through pictures.

At home, I have some high point value products that I will have to use up.  It will fit into the plan but I will be using a lot of points on certain meals.  I don't want to waste food.  Over the next few weeks, I will be making a few small changes to things I already eat like switching from whole milk to low fat milk.  The small changes will actually save me a lot in points.

The rest of the day went well.  I walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I actually felt like walking longer but I decided to break a sweat cleaning up the house a bit.  Only the 2nd day in and I am already feeling more energy!

One of the two downsides to trying to be healthier is I am in the bathroom every 30 minutes.  I'm pretty sure I have the smallest bladder ever.  I am drinking 64 oz. of water a day on top of my 2 cups of coffee.  I can handle it during the day but at night it is a nightmare getting up so much.  I probably get up at least 4-5 times during the night.

The other downside is the headaches I've been getting.  I know this is only temporary but it makes staying on track difficult.  I know if I had a candy bar and a coke, I'd feel better.  I'm not going to do that.  This is hard but worth it.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow which is the start of the weekend.  I'm trying to figure out things I can do with the kids and husband that everyone would enjoy outside.

Until next time,
Pam

What I Ate On Weight Watcher Green Plan 5/14/20

Day 1 is over and I made it!

Here is my day of food:

7am: Breakfast was overnight oats
 with banana & granola.  Coffee as well.
Total WW points: 17

11am: Mid-morning snack was some strawberries.
Total WW points: 0

1pm: Lunch was turkey chili w/ shredded cheddar cheese & corn chips.
Total WW points: 12

3pm: Afternoon snack was baby carrots w/ ranch dip
Total WW points: 3

5:30pm: Dinner was egg, egg whites, potato, broccoli, & cheese.
It tasted better than it looked.
Total WW points: 11

Exercise was 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill.

My daily points for each day is 43.  I used exactly 43 points today.  I'm not so sure I'm excited about this program after doing it for one day but I know I need portion control.  It is going to take a while to get used to.  I'm not going to lie... I still want to eat.  I want to eat until I can't eat anymore.  I have a horrible headache.  I want to give up this very minute.

But my relationship with food has to change.  I can't depend on food to make me happy and comfort me.  I know once I detox from all the sugar I was eating, I will feel better.  Right now, it is not good.  I know this is going to be hard.  I will not give up.  One day at a time.

Until next time,

Pam

Day 1 - And So It Begins...

It's never easy getting on the scale the first time.  I have been hiding from the scale the past few weeks.  I have looked at my body in the mirror and I have witnessed it getting bigger and bigger.  I can no longer fit into my biggest pair of jeans.  I wear stretchy pants on a daily basis.  I don't like this person I have become.  So lazy, so willing to eat and eat and eat and then eat some more.  What is wrong with me?

Today is a new beginning.

Today is the worst it will be.

Starting weight: 275 lbs.

Nothing is more embarrassing than showing these pictures to you.  But once again, today is the worst it will be.

Starting Pictures:

Right now I do not feel very good about myself after looking at these pictures but I am determined to lose this weight for good.  I am going to look at these pictures everytime I am struggling because this is a huge wake up call.

Tomorrow I will share what I ate on my first day and what I did for exercise!

Until next time,
Pam

The Plan

Before I get started tomorrow I wanted to share the weight loss plan I will be using.  I decided to go with Weight Watchers.  I will be on the green plan.  We will go into more detail as I learn the program.

I signed up and there is no going back.

For exercise, I will start out using my treadmill to walk.  I will start jogging when I lose at least 10-15 pounds.  I will also use the Beachbody workouts since I am a member now (as of a few weeks ago and I have not done one workout yet).

Things will change over time.  I will change over time.  I know that.  You know that.  This is my starting point.

Things I would like to do concerning this blog...

I would like to share my weigh-ins (eek).

 I would like to have days where I share everything I eat and how much exercise I accomplished (pictures included).

I would like to review new things that I buy for my weight loss journey (maybe other stuff, too).

I would like to share recipes or food products that I love.

I would like to share some vlogs (if I get up enough courage to record myself).

I would like to share my ups and downs (there will be many of them).

I would like to tell you the truth (even if it hurts or I'm scared).

I would like to share my life (nothing fascinating here).

I would like to inspire you (maybe not today but someday).

The rest I will figure out along the way.

Until next time,
Pam

How Did I Get Here

Where do I start?

How do I tell you who I am?

My name is Pam.  I am a married mother of 2 boys.  I live in New Jersey.

Boring, right?

I would love to tell you about my life and I will... but I think it is more important to tell you how I got to this point.  The major things that have shaped me as a person.  The reason I am at my lowest point as I write this.

About 9-10 years ago, I lost 90 pounds as I wrote on this blog.  Fast forward to today... I have gained it all back.  There are so many things that helped contribute to my weight gain but ultimately it was my fault.

I can pretty much remember the exact moment everything changed.  I had just finished a 5k race and afterward, I received a phone call telling me that I was laid off from the job I had for 15 years.  It was devastating.  The weight gain started from that moment.  I had a hard time trying to care for myself because I was feeling such a great loss.  It took months to get over it.  Losing my job definitely made me feel worthless.   And that worthlessness has followed me through the years.

I had a hard time finding a new job so I got the only job I could get working in a daycare center.  It was the most stressful 2 years of my life.  I worked with one year olds (about 18 of them in one room with 4 other adults).  It was my worst nightmare.  I loved working with children, but that experience just made me want to run the other way.  It was too much.  The weight gain continued.

I was lucky though.  At that job, I met a woman that would end up being of my greatest friends.  She was the mother of twins that I cared for at the daycare.  When I reached my limit at that job, she helped me find a job at the place she worked.  Then after 2 years, she helped me get an even better job within the company.  She ended up becoming my boss and I was so happy that there was someone looking out for me... a true friend.  She even got me into golf and it has become one of my favorite things to do.  She had so much infuence in my life in the 7 years I knew her.  She was everything I needed in a friend.

She found out in October that she had cancer and her sickness progressed rapidly.  Unfortunately, on 12/17/19,  she passed away at the young age of 37.  Being with her as she was dying will always be one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  As I sit here writing this, I still feel this loss as if it happened yesterday.  Tears are flooding my cheeks.  Why was I given such a wonderful gift to have it ripped away from me?

It has been almost 5 months since her death.  I think about her everyday and I wish she was still here.  I was blessed to have her in my life.

During that hard time, I started to have really bad anxiety attacks.  They were so bad that one time I ended up at the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack.    I never want to feel that way again.  I decided to go to therapy to try to figure out what was happening to me and learn some ways to cope with my anxiety.  It helped.  I went for a few months but ended up stopping at the beginning of this year.  I definitely see more therapy in my future.  I also started taking medication for the anxiety.  Lexapro.  I am not by any means cured, but it has helped to bring my anxiety down a notch.

Now, we are going through this pandemic.  I work my full time job from home while taking care of my kids.  I miss going to the office so much.  I leave the house once a week to go grocery shopping.  The world is a scary place right now.  I think that is where the last 20 pound weight gain came from.  I'm not used to this world.  I would love nothing more than to hug my mom right now or to have a laugh at work with my coworkers or go out anywhere without having to wear a mask.  I have been taking comfort through food.  I let myself have pity parties where I would lie down on the couch stuffing my face as I watched tv telling myself it was ok to do this.  It's not ok.

No more!

I want to do this for me.  I want to be proud of myself again.  I want to feel success and I want to live a longer life.  I want to be healthy.  I want to lose this weight.

More importantly, I want to do this for the friend I lost.  The one who was always there for me when I was down.  The one who always tried to boost my confidence.  The one I laughed so hard with that my stomach would hurt.  The one who tried to get me to exercise more and always gave me advice about healthy eating.  She tried.  I wasn't willing.  Now I am.  Maybe a little late... but I'm ready.

This is for you NH.

Day one is on Thursday (5/14).

Until next time,
Pam

Rock Bottom

Where do you go from here?  Rock Bottom.  That feeling where you know it can't possibly get any worse.  I am here now.  I can't get any lower.

I feel lost.  I am lost.  I don't know how to start digging myself out of this hole I'm in.

I try and try and try again... but in the end I am back here.

What can I do?

Keep trying.

That is the only thing I can do.  Because I might fail 99% of the time but there is always that 1% chance that I won't.

So I'm going to try to find myself again.  I'm going to try to feel good about myself again.  I don't want to be lost.  I want to wake up everyday knowing that I am doing the best I can.  I want to start digging myself out of this hole I'm in.

What do I need to do?

So much.... but we will start with a few things for now.

1. Lose weight... I have over 100 pounds to lose.  We will go into more detail in the next few days including starting weight and pics.

2. Exercise daily.  Move more!

See... not so bad.  I can do this... right?

I am going to do this.

Watch me.

Until next time,

Pam