How do I tell you who I am?
My name is Pam. I am a married mother of 2 boys. I live in New Jersey.
Boring, right?
I would love to tell you about my life and I will... but I think it is more important to tell you how I got to this point. The major things that have shaped me as a person. The reason I am at my lowest point as I write this.
About 9-10 years ago, I lost 90 pounds as I wrote on this blog. Fast forward to today... I have gained it all back. There are so many things that helped contribute to my weight gain but ultimately it was my fault.
I can pretty much remember the exact moment everything changed. I had just finished a 5k race and afterward, I received a phone call telling me that I was laid off from the job I had for 15 years. It was devastating. The weight gain started from that moment. I had a hard time trying to care for myself because I was feeling such a great loss. It took months to get over it. Losing my job definitely made me feel worthless. And that worthlessness has followed me through the years.
I had a hard time finding a new job so I got the only job I could get working in a daycare center. It was the most stressful 2 years of my life. I worked with one year olds (about 18 of them in one room with 4 other adults). It was my worst nightmare. I loved working with children, but that experience just made me want to run the other way. It was too much. The weight gain continued.
I was lucky though. At that job, I met a woman that would end up being of my greatest friends. She was the mother of twins that I cared for at the daycare. When I reached my limit at that job, she helped me find a job at the place she worked. Then after 2 years, she helped me get an even better job within the company. She ended up becoming my boss and I was so happy that there was someone looking out for me... a true friend. She even got me into golf and it has become one of my favorite things to do. She had so much infuence in my life in the 7 years I knew her. She was everything I needed in a friend.
She found out in October that she had cancer and her sickness progressed rapidly. Unfortunately, on 12/17/19, she passed away at the young age of 37. Being with her as she was dying will always be one of the hardest things I ever had to do. As I sit here writing this, I still feel this loss as if it happened yesterday. Tears are flooding my cheeks. Why was I given such a wonderful gift to have it ripped away from me?
It has been almost 5 months since her death. I think about her everyday and I wish she was still here. I was blessed to have her in my life.
During that hard time, I started to have really bad anxiety attacks. They were so bad that one time I ended up at the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. I never want to feel that way again. I decided to go to therapy to try to figure out what was happening to me and learn some ways to cope with my anxiety. It helped. I went for a few months but ended up stopping at the beginning of this year. I definitely see more therapy in my future. I also started taking medication for the anxiety. Lexapro. I am not by any means cured, but it has helped to bring my anxiety down a notch.
During that hard time, I started to have really bad anxiety attacks. They were so bad that one time I ended up at the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. I never want to feel that way again. I decided to go to therapy to try to figure out what was happening to me and learn some ways to cope with my anxiety. It helped. I went for a few months but ended up stopping at the beginning of this year. I definitely see more therapy in my future. I also started taking medication for the anxiety. Lexapro. I am not by any means cured, but it has helped to bring my anxiety down a notch.
Now, we are going through this pandemic. I work my full time job from home while taking care of my kids. I miss going to the office so much. I leave the house once a week to go grocery shopping. The world is a scary place right now. I think that is where the last 20 pound weight gain came from. I'm not used to this world. I would love nothing more than to hug my mom right now or to have a laugh at work with my coworkers or go out anywhere without having to wear a mask. I have been taking comfort through food. I let myself have pity parties where I would lie down on the couch stuffing my face as I watched tv telling myself it was ok to do this. It's not ok.
No more!
No more!
I want to do this for me. I want to be proud of myself again. I want to feel success and I want to live a longer life. I want to be healthy. I want to lose this weight.
More importantly, I want to do this for the friend I lost. The one who was always there for me when I was down. The one who always tried to boost my confidence. The one I laughed so hard with that my stomach would hurt. The one who tried to get me to exercise more and always gave me advice about healthy eating. She tried. I wasn't willing. Now I am. Maybe a little late... but I'm ready.
This is for you NH.
Day one is on Thursday (5/14).
Until next time,
Pam
More importantly, I want to do this for the friend I lost. The one who was always there for me when I was down. The one who always tried to boost my confidence. The one I laughed so hard with that my stomach would hurt. The one who tried to get me to exercise more and always gave me advice about healthy eating. She tried. I wasn't willing. Now I am. Maybe a little late... but I'm ready.
This is for you NH.
Day one is on Thursday (5/14).
Until next time,
Pam
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