Day 2 - 5/15/20

I woke up this morning with a really, really bad headache and some dizziness.  After taking some medicine, I started to feel better.  Then it was off to work in my dining room in my pajamas.  I really hate working from home.  I get distracted easily (mostly from my kids) and have to work on the weekends to make up the time that I lost to those distractions.  I can't wait for the day that I can work in the office again.  I have gone through bouts of depression and hopelessness.  I don't like being home all the time!  I'm sure there are a lot of people that would agree.

Friday is my grocery shopping day so I headed out early so I would be there right when they opened.  I didn't feel prepared as I hadn't done any research on some good weight watchers friendly products.  I ended up going on Youtube later after I already did the shopping and found some great ideas that I will be trying out.  I will be heading out to the store again tomorrow to pick up these items if my store has them.

In the future, I will try to show a grocery haul through pictures.

At home, I have some high point value products that I will have to use up.  It will fit into the plan but I will be using a lot of points on certain meals.  I don't want to waste food.  Over the next few weeks, I will be making a few small changes to things I already eat like switching from whole milk to low fat milk.  The small changes will actually save me a lot in points.

The rest of the day went well.  I walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I actually felt like walking longer but I decided to break a sweat cleaning up the house a bit.  Only the 2nd day in and I am already feeling more energy!

One of the two downsides to trying to be healthier is I am in the bathroom every 30 minutes.  I'm pretty sure I have the smallest bladder ever.  I am drinking 64 oz. of water a day on top of my 2 cups of coffee.  I can handle it during the day but at night it is a nightmare getting up so much.  I probably get up at least 4-5 times during the night.

The other downside is the headaches I've been getting.  I know this is only temporary but it makes staying on track difficult.  I know if I had a candy bar and a coke, I'd feel better.  I'm not going to do that.  This is hard but worth it.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow which is the start of the weekend.  I'm trying to figure out things I can do with the kids and husband that everyone would enjoy outside.

Until next time,
Pam

What I Ate On Weight Watcher Green Plan 5/14/20

Day 1 is over and I made it!

Here is my day of food:

7am: Breakfast was overnight oats
 with banana & granola.  Coffee as well.
Total WW points: 17

11am: Mid-morning snack was some strawberries.
Total WW points: 0

1pm: Lunch was turkey chili w/ shredded cheddar cheese & corn chips.
Total WW points: 12

3pm: Afternoon snack was baby carrots w/ ranch dip
Total WW points: 3

5:30pm: Dinner was egg, egg whites, potato, broccoli, & cheese.
It tasted better than it looked.
Total WW points: 11

Exercise was 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill.

My daily points for each day is 43.  I used exactly 43 points today.  I'm not so sure I'm excited about this program after doing it for one day but I know I need portion control.  It is going to take a while to get used to.  I'm not going to lie... I still want to eat.  I want to eat until I can't eat anymore.  I have a horrible headache.  I want to give up this very minute.

But my relationship with food has to change.  I can't depend on food to make me happy and comfort me.  I know once I detox from all the sugar I was eating, I will feel better.  Right now, it is not good.  I know this is going to be hard.  I will not give up.  One day at a time.

Until next time,

Pam

Day 1 - And So It Begins...

It's never easy getting on the scale the first time.  I have been hiding from the scale the past few weeks.  I have looked at my body in the mirror and I have witnessed it getting bigger and bigger.  I can no longer fit into my biggest pair of jeans.  I wear stretchy pants on a daily basis.  I don't like this person I have become.  So lazy, so willing to eat and eat and eat and then eat some more.  What is wrong with me?

Today is a new beginning.

Today is the worst it will be.

Starting weight: 275 lbs.

Nothing is more embarrassing than showing these pictures to you.  But once again, today is the worst it will be.

Starting Pictures:

Right now I do not feel very good about myself after looking at these pictures but I am determined to lose this weight for good.  I am going to look at these pictures everytime I am struggling because this is a huge wake up call.

Tomorrow I will share what I ate on my first day and what I did for exercise!

Until next time,
Pam

The Plan

Before I get started tomorrow I wanted to share the weight loss plan I will be using.  I decided to go with Weight Watchers.  I will be on the green plan.  We will go into more detail as I learn the program.

I signed up and there is no going back.

For exercise, I will start out using my treadmill to walk.  I will start jogging when I lose at least 10-15 pounds.  I will also use the Beachbody workouts since I am a member now (as of a few weeks ago and I have not done one workout yet).

Things will change over time.  I will change over time.  I know that.  You know that.  This is my starting point.

Things I would like to do concerning this blog...

I would like to share my weigh-ins (eek).

 I would like to have days where I share everything I eat and how much exercise I accomplished (pictures included).

I would like to review new things that I buy for my weight loss journey (maybe other stuff, too).

I would like to share recipes or food products that I love.

I would like to share some vlogs (if I get up enough courage to record myself).

I would like to share my ups and downs (there will be many of them).

I would like to tell you the truth (even if it hurts or I'm scared).

I would like to share my life (nothing fascinating here).

I would like to inspire you (maybe not today but someday).

The rest I will figure out along the way.

Until next time,
Pam

How Did I Get Here

Where do I start?

How do I tell you who I am?

My name is Pam.  I am a married mother of 2 boys.  I live in New Jersey.

Boring, right?

I would love to tell you about my life and I will... but I think it is more important to tell you how I got to this point.  The major things that have shaped me as a person.  The reason I am at my lowest point as I write this.

About 9-10 years ago, I lost 90 pounds as I wrote on this blog.  Fast forward to today... I have gained it all back.  There are so many things that helped contribute to my weight gain but ultimately it was my fault.

I can pretty much remember the exact moment everything changed.  I had just finished a 5k race and afterward, I received a phone call telling me that I was laid off from the job I had for 15 years.  It was devastating.  The weight gain started from that moment.  I had a hard time trying to care for myself because I was feeling such a great loss.  It took months to get over it.  Losing my job definitely made me feel worthless.   And that worthlessness has followed me through the years.

I had a hard time finding a new job so I got the only job I could get working in a daycare center.  It was the most stressful 2 years of my life.  I worked with one year olds (about 18 of them in one room with 4 other adults).  It was my worst nightmare.  I loved working with children, but that experience just made me want to run the other way.  It was too much.  The weight gain continued.

I was lucky though.  At that job, I met a woman that would end up being of my greatest friends.  She was the mother of twins that I cared for at the daycare.  When I reached my limit at that job, she helped me find a job at the place she worked.  Then after 2 years, she helped me get an even better job within the company.  She ended up becoming my boss and I was so happy that there was someone looking out for me... a true friend.  She even got me into golf and it has become one of my favorite things to do.  She had so much infuence in my life in the 7 years I knew her.  She was everything I needed in a friend.

She found out in October that she had cancer and her sickness progressed rapidly.  Unfortunately, on 12/17/19,  she passed away at the young age of 37.  Being with her as she was dying will always be one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  As I sit here writing this, I still feel this loss as if it happened yesterday.  Tears are flooding my cheeks.  Why was I given such a wonderful gift to have it ripped away from me?

It has been almost 5 months since her death.  I think about her everyday and I wish she was still here.  I was blessed to have her in my life.

During that hard time, I started to have really bad anxiety attacks.  They were so bad that one time I ended up at the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack.    I never want to feel that way again.  I decided to go to therapy to try to figure out what was happening to me and learn some ways to cope with my anxiety.  It helped.  I went for a few months but ended up stopping at the beginning of this year.  I definitely see more therapy in my future.  I also started taking medication for the anxiety.  Lexapro.  I am not by any means cured, but it has helped to bring my anxiety down a notch.

Now, we are going through this pandemic.  I work my full time job from home while taking care of my kids.  I miss going to the office so much.  I leave the house once a week to go grocery shopping.  The world is a scary place right now.  I think that is where the last 20 pound weight gain came from.  I'm not used to this world.  I would love nothing more than to hug my mom right now or to have a laugh at work with my coworkers or go out anywhere without having to wear a mask.  I have been taking comfort through food.  I let myself have pity parties where I would lie down on the couch stuffing my face as I watched tv telling myself it was ok to do this.  It's not ok.

No more!

I want to do this for me.  I want to be proud of myself again.  I want to feel success and I want to live a longer life.  I want to be healthy.  I want to lose this weight.

More importantly, I want to do this for the friend I lost.  The one who was always there for me when I was down.  The one who always tried to boost my confidence.  The one I laughed so hard with that my stomach would hurt.  The one who tried to get me to exercise more and always gave me advice about healthy eating.  She tried.  I wasn't willing.  Now I am.  Maybe a little late... but I'm ready.

This is for you NH.

Day one is on Thursday (5/14).

Until next time,
Pam

Rock Bottom

Where do you go from here?  Rock Bottom.  That feeling where you know it can't possibly get any worse.  I am here now.  I can't get any lower.

I feel lost.  I am lost.  I don't know how to start digging myself out of this hole I'm in.

I try and try and try again... but in the end I am back here.

What can I do?

Keep trying.

That is the only thing I can do.  Because I might fail 99% of the time but there is always that 1% chance that I won't.

So I'm going to try to find myself again.  I'm going to try to feel good about myself again.  I don't want to be lost.  I want to wake up everyday knowing that I am doing the best I can.  I want to start digging myself out of this hole I'm in.

What do I need to do?

So much.... but we will start with a few things for now.

1. Lose weight... I have over 100 pounds to lose.  We will go into more detail in the next few days including starting weight and pics.

2. Exercise daily.  Move more!

See... not so bad.  I can do this... right?

I am going to do this.

Watch me.

Until next time,

Pam